Leaving the past where it belongs -behind you- takes discipline, courage, strength, resilience and a whole lot of patience. There are past tenses when you move forward, including love. I used to love you, by far is one of the most powerful past tenses in measuring progress going FORWARD when it pertains to romantic relationships, particularly heartache.
My heart was heavy, smothered under a boulder that I once felt would never budge. The spoken words "I love you but I'm not in love with you" pierced through my heart like a hot blade. Time for once must have stood still because I froze. Once my body started to thaw a bit, the reality of WE, US was no longer going to mean the same thing as it did nearly 2 decades ago.
It was a hard pill to swallow, still being in love with someone who just told me, they were no longer in love with me and also picking up the pieces and trying to make sense of the dramatic events thereafter. I thought "How will I ever survive this heartbreak?" I DID and I am living, and loving that things did not work out. I understand now why things happened the way they did, even though it was shitty. My path was no longer meant to include him, my ambition and drive was far greater and life was preparing me for the new road ahead.
I visualized a box, a box that I used to compartmentalize my memories, my emotions, my love and everything associated with him, including him. I put all of those things and him away in that box, locked it up and placed it in a shelf in my heart. The only time I will open that box is to dig for a lesson that I may not have learned, when faced with a similar situation in the present. That's it, that box stays in the past and on that shelf. I live with peace, knowing I had the best of hime, the purest of him before things went downhill. This I know is something no one will ever have again.
I no longer care for what could have been, that is progress. I no longer cry when I think of the past, that is progress. I no longer feel that piercing pain in my heart when I think of those spoken words, that is progress. I no longer feel sad when I see him, that is progress. I can laugh and joke about the breakup now, that is progress. I am happier, and probably my happiest - that is progress. I used to love him, that is progress.
As a smart woman, I knew I needed time to gather myself, heal myself and work on myself, and I did just that and made sure I wasn't going to immediately get into a rebound relationship to "get over" the hurt and disappointment. As a smart woman, I knew that wasn't going to help me move forward in a positive, productive way. I needed to get right, in order to do right, and live right.
I learned to accept the reality of things, and I learned to detach myself from that version of what I knew as love. That version of love isn't the love I want today, at least the tail end of it, and I will not settle for mediocre love. The new love I was attaching myself to was my healing, my progress and self-love.
My happiness was in my hands, literally. I opened my hands and went to work on finding my happiness. I know what makes me happy now, and I continue to discover new happiness, and that boulder that I thought would never budge, has disappeared; carried away by the influx of progress and happiness I found in me.
Thank you for everything, the good and the bad, the pretty and the ugly.